Chippa need a stolen kiss

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Cape Town – When is the appropriate time to go in for that first kiss?

I know, it’s a question football fans all over the world grapple with on a daily basis.

But please indulge me, as my cousin has just started dating and has been asking me – probably the clumsiest person in the world when it comes to wooing women – for advice.

The dilemma is, and he seems to be struggling with the same problem, I never could read the signs, or when I got the green light to plant a quick one on the lips.

And I found myself in many awkward situations, and there were times when I came in for the kill, only to realise that I misread the situation and had to pretend that there was something in her hair on her shoulder that needed my attention.

That can lead to a serious loss in confidence on the dating front, much like a striker who has been missing the target in front of an empty goal more often than humanly acceptable.

My first kiss was also a disaster, despite the fact that the setting was almost perfect.

It was on a hot December day in Upington, on the banks of the Orange River where my grandfather had a piece of land with a few cattle and vineyards which produced the sweetest hanepoot you could ever wish to taste.

The problem, however, with all the cattle around and the river close by, is that there tends to be quite a few flies buzzing around your head.

And I have a thing about flies ever since I saw one occupying a piece of cow manure.

And after a walk along the river banks with my grandfather’s neighbours’ daughter – of course, I was a hit with the ladies in the Northern Cape, being from Cape Town and smelling like something other than motor oil – it was the moment of truth.

As the sun set over the horizon, painting magical colours of bright orange and a splash of purple, I went in for the first kiss. However, my attempt crash-landed on the poor girl’s forehead after a fly made a brief – less than a second – cameo appearance on her top lip.

I know this of course because my eyes were wide open, being my first kiss and all.

The girl, though, couldn’t understand what just happened – one moment she was pouting her lips, and the next she almost got concussed by a smack on the forehead.

So, as far as my cousin is concerned, I don’t really know what to say besides approach the kiss like I do my sport – play the situation, mate.

And the same applies to Chippa United, who got their first three points in the Premiership on Wednesday night against Bloemfontein Celtic.

The newly promoted outfit’s holiday romance with life in the big time has almost been as disastrous as my little gaffe on the banks of the Orange River.

But Wednesday night’s win, which catapulted them above the likes of Ajax Cape Town and Mamelodi Sundowns in the standings, could just be the tonic to boost the team and start a long-lasting relationship with the Premiership.

Chippa were totally outplayed by Celtic in mid-week, but sometimes you need a lucky break – or 10 ...

This weekend, the Chilli Boys have a date with Kaizer Chiefs, the belle of the ball as far as South African football and the current league leaders are concerned.

Amakhosi are playing hard to get at the moment. But a stolen kiss will always be on the cards if Chippa just go out there and enjoy themselves and give it everything.

But, hopefully for them, there isn’t a fly in the ointment or on the top lip ...

TWEET OF THE WEEK

ThulaniTyson03 (Injured Ajax Cape Town defender Thulani Hlatshwayo vents his frustration on Twitter after Ajax’s loss to Orlando Pirates on Wednesday): There goes my night... #SadForDays

WHO TO FOLLOW

@Erasmus_7: SuperSport United striker Kermit Erasmus was really upset following their MTN8 final defeat at the hands of Moroka Swallows.

Follow John Goliath on Twitter: @Anchorman82

Send us your views – john.goliath@inl.co.za